How to cockblock

Well...well...well. Welcome to the number 1 article on how to cockblock!! Now I do not endorse cockblocking however if you ever have the sudden urge to completely screw over one of your mates then continue reading and learn from the very man who has survived the worse that cockblocking can throw at him.

Hi my name is Jason Tran and I am the expert on Peteology and the science of cockblocking. Now I myself am a veteran of numerous cockblocking attacks and I have endured them all. From my encounters with the deadliest cockblock on the planet I have learned the supreme and deadly arts of cockblocking down to a science. If you want to ruin relationships, if you want to keep the population down, if you want to be the best cockblock you can please read and buy my hit book, Cockblocking 101 which has ruined many lives.

Step 1: Be as Awkward as FUCK!! The more awkward you can be the better! Now im talking about standing there between your two targets and doing what ever is possible to make it awkward as fuck. Stare, smile creepily, and you will in no time ruin the chances of the poor male or females chances of getting romantic.

Step 2: Even if you do not know what the fuck they are talking about try your absolute best to blend in and join the conversation. Agree, laugh and try and take the conversation away from the person who initiated the conversation romantically. This can be done by interrupting the target, laughing at stupid moments, or keep saying "ah ha...ah ha...ah ha..." while nodding your head as awkward as possible.

Step 3: Touch the targets love interest. Okay laddies and gentleman this has happened to me and it works like a charm. While you are intercepting their conversation try and touch the targets love interest in an awkward and freaky manner. This will break the connection between the two and make the love interest too freaked out to continue speaking to the initiator. Touch their arms...their legs...playfully punch them...or just being a fucking gay cunt works :)

Step 4: Cockblock quickly!! The longer you hold it off the stronger the targets will become emotionally. So make your entrance as quick and as disrupting as humanly possible. Push in...elbow the target out of reach of the love interest. As long as you do it quick and as shocking as possible the better the chances the other steps will work because this will break the connection between the targets and daze them.

Step 5: Flirt with the target in an awkward and creepy way. This is absolutely key to cocblocking because it will infuriate the target to the point of explosive anger! Basically act flirt like a rapist and this will for sure end the interaction for good.

Step 6: Always be on the look out for the wingman! This is a cockblocks worse enemy. They are both opposite in nature and cannot get along. Before attacking your target make sure you survey the room and make sure no close friends are nearby as they can be potential wingmans. 

Cockblocks

Oh boy...here we go. For all you bro's out there we all know that one guy or girl who cockblocks you on every occasion you speak to the opposite gender. Now from my experience I have only been cockblocked by males and never females so for this article it will be about males in general.

Now relax and think back to that one party...where everything was all sunshine and rainbows. Where the girl of your dreams and you were chatting. Where everything seemed to be going great. Then out of the fucking blue comes...wait for it....a cockblock!! Now these cockblocks will pose as your friend just trying to talk. HOWEVER any real friend will never purposely cockblock his mate. I mean if it was a girl who you had no interest in or it was some cruel joke fine, but if this was a real time attempt of cockblocking then we got a problem.

Let me explain this to you using experiences from my own life story. It involves my good friend John Vagina Vargas. So picture this, John is walking with the lady he likes and things are going well. Then the cockblock strikes...and he strikes hard. John is completely pushed out of the frame and the cockblock has ruined the interaction which at that point cannot be repaired. That was a good example however allow me to tell you another from my own personal experience. Basically I was at my mates birthday party and I was conversing with a particular lady over some cake. Now it was a very casual and relaxed conversation. This was however before the cockblock arrived. He arrived in vintage cock block fashion. Used his body to kinda create a disconnection between me and the girl and also by being awkward as fuck. This was the perfect attack since it created an awkward atmosphere to the point where the girl would be so freaked out she can no longer converse.

Now if you are ever being cockblocked I urge you to use these next few steps. I had to learn this for myself through actually being cockblocked. Firstly IGNORE THE COCKBLOCK. This is basic and might work if the cockblock is not a serious threat. However if this does not work, try and move you and the girl away physically while trying to make it seem casual. If its at this point and the cockblock is still being an asshole I urge you to get help from your dedicated wingman. Or do what I believe works better. Turn around. Look the fucker in the eye. Now say "Bro you're cocblocking...fuck off!"

Whipped Motherfuckers

Alright I guess the topic at hand is quite obvious. The topic of bullshit today will be whipped motherfuckers. Now this can be either male or female but for the laughs lets concentrate on the guys this time alright?

Now in my day I have seen many couples come and go but rarely do I see males completely brainwashed and overly attached to their girlfriends. Now for the references I was one of them so I sure as hell know how it feels and looks, but hey I was like 13 so leave me alone. However the whipped motherfuckers I see these days are like 16-17 year dudes who treat woman like their Princess Peach. I see them completely engulfed in the girl. Now remember there is a clear line between being a good boyfriend and her pet.

For example creating gay ass nicknames for each other, obsessing over them like you will marry them, always trying to get their attention...Now before I continue you don't have to be in a relationship to be whipped...the amounts of time I seen guys trying all these gay tactics to try and some how manipulate the girl into magically falling in love with them is too damn high!! That's how you get put into the darkest and most horrible place of all...."THE FRIEND ZONE!" I have been in the friend zone and it suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkks. However I learn from my mistakes. So now how can you identify these whipped dudes? Just view how they act...they will treat the girl as if shes like some goddess. They will put all their happiness on that one girl. They will agree with her on anything! Like a girl can be like "I love sky diving!" and the typical whipped cunt will say "yeah me too!!" while deep inside he has some deep, dark phobia. In addition they will do anything...anything to get her attention and once they do they fuck it up by worshiping her and guess what? That's a free train ticket to Friend Zone City motherfucker! Just like the great Joker once said "Im just a dog chasing cars, I wouldn't know what to do with it once I caught it!" That's a whipped motherfucker right there...they get the girls attention then suck up...they get the girl and become her slave cause they have no direction.

Maurice The LG Slayer Nguyen

Okay ladies and gentleman this happy chap you see in the photo with his finger high in the sky is none other then Maurice. Its hard to describe this dude in a few sentences but I will try. I actually met Maurice for the first time during high school. Now his one of my best mates.

Now let the bullshit commence. So if you're reading this and you know Maurice you will understand how much of a sick cunt he is. In the recent years he really has become a real confident motherfucker and now is probably one of the funniest bastards I know. He is usually the one who can always troll me back or make my antics and jokes even worse by laughing his ass off in front of the poor bastard being targeted (I wonder who). Now im sure you are wondering why he is called the LG SLayer...Well dumb ass firstly its because the guy loves LG's and they love him. You can see the guy drooling at the mouth when ever he even smells one of those younglings around. Maurice has always been a happy and cheerful individual who's humor is nearly identical to mine...we both love teasing and trolling people and attending raves. Yes Maurice is my rave buddy and the guy sure loves his hardstlye. Can't wait to see this cunt pop a few pills and become a complete retard for a whole night LOL.

Now Maurice also enjoys playing some game called LOL...never played it but I have played Dota which is similar. I don't even know if the guys good at it but he seems to enjoy it. He also is a Batman fan such as myself. Now from the article so far you might get the impression Maurice is either a junkie or gamer however he is one of the smartest blokes I know. Does maths like its child play but hey we  are Asian. He also enjoys eating various foods and practices the arts of TKD and other forms of cool martial arts while maintaining his ongoing and ever present humor and joy.

John Phammy Pham

Alright calm down ladies. This man here is the one and only John Phammy Pham. Now im sure your busy admiring his awesome hair and Korean good looks but continue reading this shit. So a little background on this guy basically I have known him since the beginning of high school and in the few years which followed he has become one of my best mates and most trusted bro's. He is 16 and is actually Vietnamese and single for all you horny bitches out there. Now lets go onto the topic at hand which is his actual personality and bullshit.

John in a nut shell (yes I have a lot of friends named John) is a top block with an attitude of gold. Never have seen this dude angry or upset. He is extremely chill and a guy that's easy to have a chat. However his not boring by any means and is actually a funny cunt once you get to know the bloke. He is always the first guy to laugh and makes every situation seem less tense. On top of that he is a loyal and trust worthy friend which I can rely when ever I need something.

He is also into his gaming. The amount of times I hear this bloke talk about LOL or Dota is too damn high! But hey its a fun game and im shit as fuck at it so im in no position to complain. In recent years John actually went to Bass Control 2012 with me! Never knew the bloke can dance and party so hard. Pretty fucking funny seeing him gabber the night away to hardcore and hardstyle. Im sure he will a regular on future raves and I already have my eyes on Defqon and Stereosonic with this sick cunt soon!

TheAaronSon (Ruler Boy)

TheAaronSon...wow me and this guy go way back. In fact all the way back to year 3 where we first met on the top of a dusty and dying playing field. I remember the day like it was 8 years ago. He looked like a walking stick figure and I looked like a boulder. Good juxtaposition I guess. Who ever said opposites don't attract? Well enough of that, lets just say we got well and now his basically my wingman/bestfriend/adviser etc.

Now that our origin story is done lets start with his background. Aaron is a 16 year old Cambodian boy with a love for cars and sarcasm. Now anyone who knows Aaron will immediately know his...lets say unique body structure. Long, thin and dark, its hard not to miss him. If that's not enough the guy sounds like a fucking humpback whale fucked a gorilla with a bit of depression thrown in there. Aaron didn't originally go to my primary and instead went to the primary just down the road! No wonder why when he showed up he was so shocked with all our Catholic practices. Oh yeah did I mention he is an atheist? Not that I care but its rather funny since we usually tease him about being apart of the Illuminati or being a Satan lover (HE IS NOT ONE RELAX).

On to his personality Aaron is quite straight forward while still be very complex in nature. If you don't know the guy he can be modest, quiet and conservative. Hell I have known him for ages now and he still is like that! However once you unravel the layers on top he is a nut job. Aaron has a sarcasm problem and can sometimes be a stubborn motherfucker. Yet this is balanced with his dark and in my opinion controversial humor (like mine). Its a running gag in our little group that we associate Aaron with being the dark and serious one however he really can be the biggest joker after me of course. Aaron is also known for his deep hatred of cockblocks (I wonder who) and people who are leaning too far on the feminine side (not a homophobic) He is also a devout Tumblr user and loving brother and cousin to his various relatives.  

John Vagina Vargas

Oh boy...where to begin with this dude. Basically Iv known this guy since primary and now his like one of my best mates. However out of everyone in our group he probably has more things to tease him about then most of us. John is a 16 year old black Filipino bloke with a strong passion in dancing (very good at it).

Now this is where the bullshit starts. It has been a reoccurring gag in our group to tease John about his nervousness and shyness to girls. Poor John would have so much trouble talking to girls I would sometimes have to yell at his ass for a good hour to get him to even say hi! However this is the past since he can now speak very well to the ladies. John is also one of the biggest homophobes ever. Not saying his the type to bash a gay person however he seems to be very uncomfortable around them to the point where when John The Poor Nguyen touched his leg. He immediately brushed Johns hand off quicker then Peter cockblocks. We then began to tease and creep him out by touching him and making him want to cry like a little girl. It got the point where he was about to run away from us!

John also is a very awkward person in general which is why he is so awesome. There was a point where I thought he was the physical embodiment of  awkwardness. John has probably tripped more times then peter has cockblocked. Good example would be the time he completely stacked it out of my car, or ran into a pole and scarred his knee...or fucking up his knee while dancing and getting slapped in the process. He once even took 1 hour to make a phone call to a person I will not name.

Lift Fags

Alright this is quite a controversial topic and is based on my experiences. So to begin with what is a lift fag? A lift fag is an individual who begins weight training exclusively because of the trend. Everybody im sure these days have heard of the saying "DO YOU EVEN LIFT?". Personally I believe it is this slogan which has contributed to the creation of the lift fag. These lift fags join gyms because its "Cool" and something that nearly every teenager is doing these days, why? Well quite simply cause they are influenced by movies and their own friends.

Now how do you identify a lift fag?It is quite easy to be honest. Next time you go gym, loo for a group of teenagers clustered together wearing snap backs, fancy shorts and vans. Lift fags are usually clustered together cause they think going gym is a social event and should be treated as such. One of the biggest things lift fags do is of course lift heavy ass amounts of weight. Now I mean weight that is so heavy for them they basically can't even get it up without their mates dead lifting their tiny arms up.

Great example from my own experience in my gym. We have a group in our gym which I have taken the initiative to name "One Direction". One day while me and my cousin are working out I see in the corner of my eye One Direction being gay cunts as usual. One of them which I nicknamed "Twig" picked up a 32 kilo dumb bell and attempted to do a chest press while his fag of friend which I named "Janoskian" filmed it on his phone. Basically Twig had two friends on each side lifting his tiny arms up for him. Then this is the funny part his range of motion was so small, his elbows were barely even moving so it looked completely fucking stupid. Oh wait this ain't the end, after he finished (or his friends) doing like 4 reps...He begun to jump around like a faggot with an STD in his ass crack and screaming for joy. He ran across the gym like a headless chicken and thought he was top shit. I simply laughed my ass off while looking around to see all the other gym veterans shocked and jaw dropped in disbelief.

So yes please do not be a lift fag. If you are starting out bodybuilding, please for the love of sushi USE A WEIGHT YOU CAN LIFT!!! Do not use a large amount of weight you can not safely contract and stretch against your muscle group.

John The Poor Nguyen

Alright...we all have that one friend...the one who can't seem to afford anything! Not a biscuit...not a grain of rice etc. This is where my good old pal John comes into. John who is one of my best friends by the way has a spending budget tighter then a virgins vagina.

He hails from the harsh streets of cabra which he believes to be the ghetto...as such John has some how unbelievably contracted an African American accent!! He sounds like a straight up ghetto nigga from the hood you expect to see in movies such as Bad Boys. Its rather fucking weird to see an Asian with such a great black accent but hey if you are skeptical come on down to cabra and see! Now its also a running gag to tease John for his weird body size. John is a fucking massive dude for a guy who does not lift. His calves look like those meat things at Kabab stores which twirl around and get calved up. His hair is also quite funny since sometimes it grows into what I have many nicknames for..."Black Guy Sebastian" "Burning Bush" "Afro" "Birds nest" etc. However in some rare occasions John will completely shave his head!! Now I mean not till the point his like shinny bald but still very short. This is the point where he looks like a scary motherfucker from the ghetto with duck tape on the side of his eyes.

Now back to the money topic its a running gag in our group to tease John for his cheapness to material things. Often remarking "Im Broke MANG!" or "Why, I can just download it?". Even though John can be a little cheap sometimes that's no problem. All you need is his accent and enormous hunger to make you laugh...not to mention his shoe size which is fucking huge! So yeah bottom line is John is the quiet muscle like guy till you know him...after you know him he can be one of the fumiest yet scariest mofo's around!

Hyphy Mud

Ok to begin with I love bodybuilding. Its fun and something I take great joy and am passionate about. So what is hyphy mud? Well lets just say its a pre workout. A very cheap and prison orientated pre workout. For any of you other gym freaks out there you would know that supplements are very expensive these days and can be dangerous if you are not stimulant resistant . So one day while I was surfing youtube and broke out of my mind I stumbled across the youtube channel of the great Kali Muscle. Kali Muscle invented this potent drink while being held in a state prison in the US. The drink consist of 1 table spoon of instant coffee followed by a quarter of your favorite soft drink (Better with Coke and Pepsi) What sets this pre workout apart from the others is that it is not really a supplement, rather it is a easy substitute.

Furthermore hyphy mud is extremely cheaper and safer then most of the workouts on the market today which contain nearly double the amount of caffeine and stimulants. Instead of buying a tub of pre workout for $50 which will only last you for a short 40 days or so you can go down to your local petrol station and buy a 2 liter coke and can of instant coffee for under $10.

Tsar Susino

In all my days I have never met a more passionate, crazy teacher. This guy loves history more then I love cake. He makes nearly every lesson enjoyable due to his passion which is sometimes rather scary. However In saying this his teaching is in my opinion of the highest standards. By the way for you people who don't know what a "TSAR" is that simply means ruler in Russian. Moving on I believe if all teachers at my school were like this my the school would be ten times better. Oh before I forget he is actually Italian so yeah...his not Russian but who cares the point is that this guy is nuts. In a good way of course and I have the up most respect for his drowning passion on history.

PeteBlock

Peteblock: The deadliest of the male cockblocks. He is known for his relentless annoying approach and mercilessness towards his fellow male comrades. If you ever suspect of approaching a woman  make sure to take great care in observing if your surroundings are safe before making your move.

The Peteblock is truly the master of cockblocking to the point where the guy in Wedding Dress looks bad. If you see him approaching quickly and smoothly try to move away. This is a very hard procedure as he is extremely persistent and aggressive. NEVER stay and try and blend him in because the guy has no common sense and direction to get your signals of anger and annoyance. If approached by an aggressive peteblock first do not make eye contact. This will reassure him of your discontent of his arrival and maybe he will leave. If this does not work try your best to ignore him and make sure your female interest is not completely scared out of her mind by him. A few minutes of this ignoring is usually what it takes to repel such an attack. However keep in mind this is the peteblock. The most dangerous of the male cockblocks and as such should be treated with great care and with the assistance of trained professionals who can handle him safely.

 If you have been peteblocked before let me reassure you that you will be forever anxious. I myself have been a victim of this vicious attack multiple times and I urge all Australian males to take great care when confronted by a Peteblock. Be sure to travel and have your close friends by however remember a peteblock is a deadly adversary and even the most experienced of wing mans can be crushed beneath his great cocblocking influence.

If you are the girl be sure to aid in repelling this attack against the male being targeted. This will not only save him a world of pain but save you the pain as well. Now remember always be aware of your surroundings and carry a fully loaded can of pepper spray if all else fails.

- Jason Tran
-Professional in the Peteology

17th birthday

Well what a way to make my 17th birthday better then to try this shit...Probably a good idea to improve my English skills I guess. Pretty good day, even though it was m birthday still had to cook, clean and prepare everything like some house maid. Well I guess that's life, least I got a new wallet along with some radio contraption. Been spending half the afternoon now cooking and preparing for the feast tonight. Having a bigger Italian meal then most nights. Feel like a massive wog but hey who doesn't love Italian food? Guess I should be helping instead of writing this random stuff however the birthday boy at least deserves some privacy for once.

Wish I bloody got my L's this time last year. I knew I would regret this still I chose to leave it till October! Now I really wish I could go back and beat the hell out of m 16 year old self this time last year. Oh well being emo ain't going to make October come any faster. Lets hope this year goes well with Prelims and HSC around the corner